Phoenix Poetic Portal

shoes

If I were in your shoes just for a day

I would wake up and see the sun

Rising in the horizon with the same bright light

I want it that way when I’m living for another day

I’ll open my laptop and check some offline messages

Left by some strangers I’ve met in the cyberspace

I’ll smile and think about why I am such a fling

To succumb in moments of loneliness inside me

And left them breathless with my face all over the cam

If I were in your shoes just for another day

I would go to work willingly till the sun sets

I wouldn’t think twice making music to ease my boredom

Since I like to build organs and spend the rest of my thoughts

Perfecting my craft for as long I can remember

I’ll wipe my sweat while working hard to make the best organ

I always knew in my heart that I could be a better artist

If I could weave music and build something that creates it

I was born to do this so I might end up loving this kind of life

If I were in your shoes just for a few days

I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my savings

Buying my dream house with a small garden at the back

So I would feel comfortable playing the organ alone

My dad won’t even mind why having my own place feels much better

I could even talk to strangers privately when I open my YM

I like to tell myself that I am determined to find someone

Who could cheer me up when lifetime seemed too long to live

I think it’s sweet to open up your soul without losing your empathy

And fall asleep when I get tired of chatting while the laptop is on

If I were in your shoes for just a week

I would meet my friends and invite them for a drink

Talk about what makes me happy without losing my sensibilities

I know they would understand why I prefer to find good time

The other way around and not the usual hook-up-and-sex circumstance

They knew me from work and when I work I work hard for it

Sometimes I’m even more silent when it comes to my personal life

They deal with it so easily like I tried to be there for them

I always knew I’m a better friend than anybody else

So if I were in your shoes just for a moment

I would do the same thing you did when you followed my heart

Opening my life to someone I felt I’ve met in my previous lifetime

While reading profiles in HI5 once when I was trying to get over a day

Of hard work and thinking what I might be doing half a lifetime from now

I would email him personally and tell him I’m open for possibilities

Of liking him and his personal definition of friendship and love

I would call him half a world away to say his writings are sweet

I would spend more time waiting for him online

And refrain from making him believe I’m always offline

He would understand why I still talk to a whole lot of strangers

So when I’m tired chasing the time difference and silence

Still I would try to be his bestfriend that he could talk online

Because I know how it feels to be taken for granted and pushed away

By someone you’ve been waiting all your life to complete you

Then you’ll recognize they’re gone for good

And realize you somehow fall for them at the end of the road

But I have my own shoes…

I should learn to live a lifetime walking with it

In the path of possibilities while hoping I could forget you soon

Soon enough when would I find myself learning to love life again

My shoes are untied…phoenix

shard

 

an old friend texted me today

he told me to drop by his office

I wanted to see him

but something
bothered me deep inside

something tells
me I am not over yet

remembering the
times we’ve been through

outside

He was a child who lost his way

and wanted to be loved truthfully

but he treated everything like a game

he bet his
future in exchange

for smoke and mirrors

I was a child who doesn’t know

what I should
do with my lonely life

I treated my feelings for him seriously

hoping I could
feel the warmth

I didn’t felt for those who process

they loved me truthfully

but I can’t see
through the smokes and mirrors

he cast in my eyes and heart

until the child
in me got lost

and he lost his innocence too

long time
ago

 

inside

everything
seemed complicated for me

but I loved the
way he put the stars in my dreams

holding me throughout the cold cold night

before I
uncovered his plot to confuse me

with his sugary lies and deceptive whispers

then pain and melancholy stuck in me

everything
seemed complicated for him

but he made me happy with his double-crossing
promises

somehow I knew
I affected his life with my reveries

that we shared
in the middle of midnight poetry

but I know he
knew I truly loved his alter-ego

when I drifted
away from his cover ups

today

he wants me to
remember him

and I
remembered him badly tonight

I wanted to
tell him how sorry I was

and he might
felt  sorry for me as well

for not truly
playing the same old game fairly

the game of
deceiving hearts

and ironic
whispers

opposite the
shadow of friendship

what we might
have for each other

is a just a
friendly feeling now

so if he
invited me to watch a movie

on his first
salary by the end of the month

doesn’t mean he
wants the same old scenario back

that I would
fall for his trap

and I’ll
willingly be trapped again

so even if try
to be defensive

and assume the
spark that we once had

might be
rekindled

I know now how
to get out in the labyrinth of his stare

because I know
deep inside

that he might
have loved me before

and still
realized he learned to love my eccentricities

even until now

but it is too
late

way too late

I had moved on
for good

what’s left is
a shard and reflection

of a friend

and a love for
a friend

 

sometimes I assume too much…phoenix

kiss

Friend

there are many things I can’t finish on time

there are even a lot of reasons why I can’t reason out

to the queries of my heart seeking enlightenment

I wish you could light up my life someday

and bring back the sunshine in my day

but I am stuck in the middle of nowhere

It seems that the answer I was looking for

remains a “wishful-thinking” revery

Dear friend

there is something I’d like to tell you

there might be something that keeps me holding on

about the weight of the words you said to me

though it’s blunt in a literal way

these are cosmic rays in my starless sky

and heartfelt statement for you

It’s like stardust scattered in my infinite heaven

pulling my eyes to look above and wait for a falling star

but it was rain that fell like tears of the moon

clothe me with the coldness of your silence

Best friend

there are “half-truths” I wanted to stripped inside me

there might be “could-have-beens” I should have disclosed

where are we in this cyber realm of endless oceans

  every hour I pay for the “sign-ins” and “sign-outs”

left me with bruises and scars of bewilderment

I should have told you I am dying in waiting

drowning and heavily breathing from the curse of this heart

willing to give it sincerely to you

without expecting any return

but only a kiss of flame

could set me free

from chain

forever

I wish you could hear this plea

Phoenix

download

I wanted to download this song

A few years ago

When my hurt was great

When my misery is bad

When my dream is almost gone

When

When… I thought life is over

I see myself back then

Hurt and shattered

By my search for something real

And a desire to be loved truthfully

By someone who taught me

And a reason for goodbye

Why is it hard to love someone

Who couldn’t love you honestly

Back then

My heart chases the fading light

of a friendship that I thought to be sure

my tears flowed with the falling rain

running through my hardened face

for once, I seek comfort

from this lonely, melancholic song

of Lindsay Lohan

but I’ve got no direction where to find it in the internet

for I sold my heart to misery

so I cried everytime I listen to this song

on the radio in the middle of the night

a few years after

I finally downloaded this song

When my head is clear

When I left my excess baggage

When my heart learned something

I know it’s déjà vu…

To look back and smile

How fool I was way back then

Everytime I listen to the same song again

(In my overloaded ipod)

Nostalgia hits a spot in me,

Phoenix

Sober

There’s a lot of madness inside me lately

The empty spaces occupied by loneliness

Seemed to be making my heart numb

Though my dreams began to get clearer

Still the clouded part of my longings

Keep telling me to hold back and wait

What am I waiting for anyway?

When the answer to my heart’s query

Seemed invisible and unreachable

Why am I waiting for the world to turn

its dark side to the brighter horizon?

When reality tells me to move on for good

And embrace the pathways of my childhood reveries

I always wish that I could bring you in my trek

To the better side of my life, dear Soulmate

But you seemed so distant and away from me

Lately I realize you always have a choice to make

To stay and find your happiness in my poetry

Or move on for good to open your heart

To the uncertainty of fidgety strangers

You met online in the midst of your search

For the piece of happiness you couldn’t find

In my distant embrace and affinity

Thank you for making me sober for now

Maybe the next day I won’t remember it anymore

…no more closing notes to tell (it makes me feel ill)…

Phoenix

point

Peter said that I don’t know what I want

In my crazy, misguided life

I guess he’s got a point

Coz I pursued my animation course

To escape the curse of my writing career

I want to draw but I hate animation

For deep inside something tells me

That I’m born to draw for Marvel Comics

And fulfill my childhood reverie

I admit to be confident of my artistic gift

Coz I can draw an X-men character for one minute

And big-mouth-pretending-wannabes

Should check themselves if they can do better

Some animation geeks thought I’m easily beaten

But they failed to see that my talent is genuine

So who cares if you got our instructor’s sympathy?

I’ll prove that I can move mountains and oceans

With my guts and gift to uncover your foul egos

Writing sucks big time if you’re weak

Some writers have big time egos

they cover it with their flowering words

I only wanted to write about my romantic tragedies

And doesn’t care if the world needs grammar 101

When I write I free myself from inhibitions

And write with the blood of my heart

So go to hell JP if you think you’re a better writer

You have to realize that you never ever made my life

In PN a living hell for I always rise from the ashes

Of your unseen frustrations to be as radiant like me

Or do I have to reveal that your insecurities eats you?

I pity you big time for lacking the guts

To express your closeted gay thoughts

And never had any writing laurels to boast

So who cares if Peter has a point?

He’s just my friend with a friendly advice

This is my life and I know how to live with it

Whenever I realize I’m always at the point

Of no return

Yes I’m bad!

The constipated fat lady might be right, Pete (coz I’m hard-headed hehe!)…phoenix

WheN

Why do you make me smile tonight?

Just because my fortune teller friend

Assured me of your warm presence

That you’ll lift up my miserable life

And your promises would be silently fulfilled

When tomorrow comes that brings hope

The future might be vague and unsure

But my heart predicts that friendship survives

Why do you make me hopeful tonight?

Just because I chat with you online today

Even for a few minutes your words were gentle

And I’m not desperately miserable waiting
for cryptic responses and contented with gestures

Signs that gave clues of where do we go from here

I realize that your “sign-offs” isn’t permanent adieu

But a reason to wait for a heart that open

One step at a time when fate draws the line

Why do you make me anticipate something about forever?

Just because I have the capacity to care unconditionally

And my poetic lines implies that words can rearrange stars

Maybe I’m learning to rest in your unspoken phrases

That paints falling stars in my canvass of reveries

And if you promise to meet me online again

I don’t need to pressure myself about losing you

I can read between the lines sentimentally

That something special is written in the sky

When we start to sign-in on time

Fortune tellers can only read the lines in your palm but doesn’t have the idea when will the heart decide to open up and let go… phoenix 

Insatiable

I have an insatiable desire

For everything

So give me more

More reasons to go on

Chasing you online

In the middle of my daydreams

And nightmares of losing you

But I love the way I hate you

When you start to keep silent

Every time I ask you silently

If you’re more gayer than me

Or just closeted drag

Waiting for Chi Chi La Rue

To tell you it’s OK to come clean

my obsession sucks big time

But let’s just say you look like

Guy Ritchie in Madonna’s bitchy clothes

Waiting to deceive popstars

At the Top Of The Pops

You hate porn coz it’s trash

But you stripped your soul

Naked online for other fidgety strangers

Thinking that you filled up

Their hunger for vanity and lust

Don’t pretend you can be desirable

Like

Colton

Ford or Francois Sagat

Or striking like Erik Rhodes

Don’t even think you’re just too cocky

Like Jeff Stryker and get away
with the stigma that you might be “bi” or “straight”

There’s no straight forward for straight-acting

Sluts like Jason Adonis, Blake Harper or Matthew Rush

You should have told yourself

To cut the crap of pushing your masculinity

In the edge of losing your virginity

For heaven sake I wasn’t born ages ago

To make me believe your blood isn’t green

Is there such straight guy who lust

For cocky and straight-acting guys online

Or ask for naked photos via email?

I don’t need to clarify my sexuality

To tell you that Chris Steele or

Jason

 

Ridge

Can keep your blood pressure rising

For plain lust all throughout the night

So like the schizophobic Britney use to say

in her latest internet-leaked single

“gimme more, more (reason to hate you)”

The moment I realized that you made

My world gayer and gayer

When you attempted to

Impress me with your appetite

To _u_ big time

Online

It’s my poetic prerogative to be bad tonight…phoenix

Run

Why do I always runaway from the tides of life?

When there’s something we can’t admit

Or something we can’t perfectly fix

I guess I’ve always remained lost

In my long and tiring journey

But yesterday my bestfriend Peter came home

To cherish his incomplete walk of fame

Though some people say he’s a big shame

Open-hearted souls still have faith in his dreams

To change the dilapidated culture of hypocrisy

But above anything else

He used to be my guiding light in my darkest night

To find the pieces of my broken spirit and reveries

He reshaped my capacity to weave powerful poetry

He taught me write immortally with the blood of my heart

Though we traverse separate path

He always look back to pick me up

From the lonely road that I am stuck

Though he claims to be a god of literature

But still he remains to be a humble saint

With his unspoken beautiful intentions

After more than a year

I miss the controversies he used to create

And his way of challenging social hypocrisy

Upon his return

He’s still the same bitchy writer

Who wanted to love the world unconditionally

But he brought someone this time

A boyfriend who adore his beautiful soul

Someone who share the same passion like me

To nurture a rare seed of hope he planted

Through his cryptic yet sensible writings

In the heart of insensitive people around us

I saw the same spark of joy in his boyfriend’s eyes

The day I realize that lasting happiness

Starts when we open our heart to love sincerely

Without expecting return

Though Peter is cloaked in his passion for fame

He has a gentle and giving heart inside

I miss his presence

And his run to catch up with the tides of life

Like we always do to justify our reveries

And beautiful intentions to inspire lonely souls

I know deep inside

We always have the capacity

To love unconditionally

And I hope his boyfriend would always be around

To appreciate his long and tireless journey

For me

I won’t stop running and chasing my dreams

For he inspired me to do it

Passionately

Confessions I wrote on the day a friend was interviewed for his Palanca feat, had a front page story in a newspaper, visited his alma mater and had a tiring trip with his optimistic bf (hasta maňana Pete, America is a better place for your bitchiness hehe)…phoenix

side

There’s always two sides of the coin

The first one is a choice to love

Someone who couldn’t sincerely love you back

I tried to give up everything

Just to let him know I am determined

To wait until the moon and stars would fall

He may have loved me in the past

But that was done before I realize

He was changing and started to drift away

Leaving me in doubt and hanging up

For answers I couldn’t tangibly grasp

With my worthless loneliness

Killing me slowly

Breaking me apart

Like a shattered glass

His emails may have been passionate

His offline messages may be sincere

But that was all said and done

In the past

Gone with the wind

When he started to remain silent

To my emotional cry and longings

The second side is a reason to move on

And embrace a coming love from unexpected chance

I tried to runaway over and over again

But my misery tells me to hold on to it

He may be selfless to reach the moon and the stars for me

But I am afraid to open up my heart

Sometimes I realize he may not be the one

That I am waiting and wishing for

In this cold and lonesome life

But I feel he has the capacity to love

Someone like me wholeheartedly

Without expecting return

Or accept my vulnerabilities

He loves the way I fall down

And pick up myself when I’m hopeful

He may be another stranger

Longing to open up his heart

For me

And make me see

The beauty of his capacity

To love unconditionally

For a fool like me

Heaven help me…

Which side of the coin should I choose?

To let my heart finally have its rest

From the restless journey I endured

No more games, I must be free from misery (written the day Peter and his bf came to visit me from the US) …phoenix